Day 1 - Outing Fear

Recently, I’ve been writing a vision for my life, every day. This exercise of repetition, visualisation and manifestation begins ‘I’m so happy and grateful now that I truly know myself’.

Well… within a week, I began to see the fruits of that wee manifestation.

Of course, that’s the thing about emotive content – the energy of it joins a dance with its creator Source, flowing in and through us, and before we know it, the thought emotion has manifested before our very eyes. How many of you can say that has happened for you?

I remember the first time I noticed it. I was working in a clerical office for a supermarket after being a ‘checkout-chic’ in my late teens. Now, at age 21, I was tired of the same old job. After a particular difficult day, I sat on the side of the couch, and cried into my hands, calling out to the Universe: ‘I want a job with my days free, where I’m earning more money with interesting people and lots of activity. I want more excitement and freedom to travel’.

Well, the next week I was being escorted out of a casino premises for drunken behaviour – yes, you read that right – and for some unknown reason, the female security guard gave me a job application as she walked me past the outer office. The week after that, I began 8 years of working in the casino industry. I had my days free, because I worked mostly 12 hour night shifts. Excitement came aplenty, ranging from life-threatening physical encounters, sexual harassment, and general criminal behaviours.  I aged a lot in the first 4 years before smoking was banned in public places, but I did travel, and ended up on a small island in the Indian Ocean where my relationship with Buddhism, energy work and meditation began. I was twenty-six years old.

Twenty-two years later, that ability to call into creation, which we all have, the Source energy, to know myself, happened within the same timeframe – a week. Everyone says, it’s the specifics that matter. If you’re going to enter into co-creation with the Universe and Source energy, be specific, else your emotive energy may create what you’ve asked for, only it may not look exactly as you thought it would.

I didn’t really know what I was writing when I said I wanted to know myself, but I have a fair idea now.

In a matter of days my relationship with my partner went from smooth sailing to separation without so much as a ‘what the heck’.  

I couldn’t tell you then what was happening. My brain was all a fog, and the energy around me blurry, with thoughts and feelings indistinguishable. We talked and talked but no sense was made. Then a dear friend came up and she listened to me, heard me, and did not judge. How precious are those people?

‘Why, Karolyne’, she said ‘that sounds like fear.’ And every statement I made, she met me with ‘that’s also fear’. And in those hours of declarations, honesty, and outpouring, I realised that I had just been breathing out a lifetime of fear. By the afternoon I sat back, and the fog lifted. It just cleared.

Fear was my fog. What is more, I realised that fear had lived with me for decades. I know that many of you will say ‘Really? But look what you’ve done in your life…’ And yes, that is true. I’ve stepped off ledges many wouldn’t walk next to, but in that moment, the greatest gift of realisation hit me: I’d wrapped myself up in my fear so well, I’d disguised it in the form of a story; a moving picture for my identity and what that image looked like at she/me walked forward in the world. My bubble of fantasy meant I didn’t have to let people close. I didn’t have to venture fully into relationships, because my story-self and its image justified that; heck it demanded it.

Fear was my friend. It protected me. It kept me safe and sheltered from the pain of being truly in relationship.

Of course, fear was old, and long since outgrown any need to be so present in my life.

A deep peace came over me as fear dropped away. A feeling akin to the Buddhist notion of non-attachment remained. Deeply invested and connected but centred in self regardless of outcome.  

I have challenged myself to a 30-day blog each day, and this week, I plan on outing fear. Because where there is fear in one aspect of life, it may not appear in all areas, but there will be other parts of self that are acting from fear.

Tomorrow I’ll write a bit about the image that fear was protecting. I’d be interested to know your stories too, if you’d care to share.