(30-day challenge resumed)
Most of you will know that I have been away over in the beautiful west country of Scotland near Loch Lomond, participating in the second module of regression training with Cara, Centre for Transformational Learning.
There are few words to adequately describe my experiences during this time, but that’s part of our modern human condition, isn’t it?
If only you could reach across to me and feel into the essence of my being at this moment. The resonance would speak more clearly perhaps than these words…
Suddenly, the myriad self-help, save-the-world, political, inspirational, motivational and personal development, social media postings seem like noise; static to a calm, presiding centre that is present, alive, timeless and… enough.
I feel enough.
I am, enough.
I AM Enough.
But what does it mean to feel, to be enough?
Well to begin, let me explain what it meant to not be enough. For a long time, I knew that feeling; it was just part of my everyday condition, as I know it is for many of you reading this piece.
I remember being in a mindfulness psychotherapy training symposium about 10 years ago. Seated with about 200 other therapists, the facilitator asked us to raise our hand ‘if you think you are good enough’. Well, without a word of a lie, there were probably 20 or so hands that went up. And after he asked us to pause, quieten and then raise our hands again – a couple went up.
So this being and feeling enough is quite part of the human condition – or perhaps just indicative of therapists!! haha
I’ll tell you how my ‘I’m not good enough’ backstory played out for me. Early on, it steered me into patterned relationships with my inner child directing attachment from a sense of aloneness, isolation and abandonment. These efforts to secure myself as lovable, to be held enough in the eyes of another, led me into highly questionable relationships and situations, many of which were unsafe.
A family member and I sometimes confide in each other ‘How we survived those years, we’ll never know’. And to be honest, there’s a lot of truth in that statement.
As I entered the world of psychology and my own therapeutic interventions, I came to understand my relationship patterns better. Understanding enabled me to observe behaviours, feelings, beliefs, and ultimately to predict, be aware of and to avoid the people, places, situations that fed the inner-child-need energy. And of course, I learnt to nurture my wee girl inside.
Still, the ‘I’m not good enough’ narrative is an insidious rascal, and it wasn’t content with leaving be. Instead, it drove me through 10 years of university, 4 degrees, including a PhD – and even then! – it wanted more. A collection of therapy certificates, and other achievements followed.
Now, I’m not saying that the energy of this programme hasn't served me well on some levels. Certainly, it can be a motivating force that propels a person into achievement and development. But, how much richer the experience, when that force is a chosen one, a conscious one, a desired one based on serving our highest purpose. That energy is awake, aware, vibrant and filled with Love, not fear.
The ‘I’m not good enough’ drove me to be liked. Some of you will nod your head at this statement. Some of you will have known that about me. Some of you will identify it in yourself.
What did that do for me? Well, it contributed to who I am in many loving and connected ways, but it also held me back.
The ‘I’m not good enough’ that directed an imperative to be liked meant that I couldn’t speak out, sing out my truth, declare my inner being, stand up and protest, say ‘NO, that’s not on’ or even truly share all of the beauty within me – just in case I was rejected.
What a wee shame, aye?
Over the years, getting to know myself, practicing mindfulness, and self-kindness, understanding patterns, seeing my energy – where it flows and how it best serves or limits me – had diminished the ‘I’m not good enough’ programme to a large extent.
But what I realised over this past week was that the energy of it still lingered. My practices, awarenesses, choices and life-changes were directed towards ‘I’m enough’, but the old energy still had occasion to attract to me people and situations that brushed up against and tempted to ignite old responses.
This intense period of Past-Life and Regression Therapy helped me to release that energy; to understand its origins, to see the stream of energetic weavings, to cut the ties to them, and to transform the energy through this release and healing such that newness now abounds within.
What is more, there’s no going back from this newness. It’s here to stay. Soul connection happened. I see the bright, beautiful, radiating crystalline being at my core and it is oh, so much more than enough.
And with this enough comes voice, opinion, self-worth, ferociousness, determination, courage, love, such love, joy – boundless joy – purpose and connection to Source.
Why share this? Because I think the 'I'm not good enough' is an energy that drives many, and I want folk to know that it can change; it can be released and transformed.
I know you will be happy for me, and I know that you will be curious. And I could tell you til my wee face turns purple that YOU ARE ENOUGH, but you'll want to come to it yourself.
And I assure you, this is how it begins… It begins with curiosity. It starts with a willingness to follow that curiosity, to consider, ‘what else’, ‘what more is there’, ‘who am I’, ‘who am I when I am not the old beliefs, programmes, energy that I absorbed when I was a child’, 'that other people told me' or when I was vulnerable or that I brought with me from lives past… That curiosity to know ourself Enough is the start to turning around and facing and feeling our inner worth, and divinity.
And I tell you something else...this feeling, this I AM ENOUGH... it is pretty sparkly, dance-your-tail-off, love-shacking awesome!